Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
