If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
