I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
