we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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