We're like a lot better than the average bears
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize