Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
