While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
A+ Viking dick
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
