nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
