did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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