I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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