so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
