At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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