We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
