I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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