If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
