Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
