im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
