No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
