You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
