I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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