Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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