they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
