At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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