You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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