I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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