Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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