Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
