I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
