I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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