How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
