yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
