if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
