the condom got lost in my hair
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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