Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
