Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Come on in and take your pants off
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