At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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