Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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