Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
