I puked a lego.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
