First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
