I met the friendliest cop last night
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
