please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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