youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
