I'm eating all of the evidence.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
