She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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