I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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