my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
pop tarts are not kleenex
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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