Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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