I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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