Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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