and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
