I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
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