like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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