Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
