I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
