"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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