he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
