We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My penis needs a shock collar
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
