Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Randomize
