I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Naked Twister starts at high noon
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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